using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
