The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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