It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
