my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
