i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
