hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
