i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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