So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
