yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
