When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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