He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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