The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think i have two assholes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i drank out of a bidet.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
