Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
