I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
