Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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