so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
