So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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