Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
