On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
