if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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