why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
