On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
