broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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