And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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