So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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