my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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