I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
