the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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