I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
