I could make wine with my vomit
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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