Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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