the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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