i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
