Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
