Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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