God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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