apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
