If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
