Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
