Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
