I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
