come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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