His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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