hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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