I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
