I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
