I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
