one word: firstdatebathroomanal
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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