All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
