my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
