you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
