Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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