It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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