I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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