Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
