I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
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i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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