god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
