apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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