I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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